Life is Messy and Beautiful.

It's been almost three weeks since I last posted, so this entry may be long, disjointed, and at times, rambling.  I have so many thoughts that I want to capture.  I'll try to be brief (but if you know me, this is not a skill I am great at.....thanks for passing down that trait mom!).  

 Thank you for writing a more beautiful story than I could ever imagine.
[Source: http://spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com]

In the past three weeks, we formally switched adoption agencies, said goodbye to Olivia as she left for college, celebrated my 33rd birthday, and received news our home study was approved (praise Jesus!!).  That's a lot in three weeks.  I'll start with the adoption agency decision.  After visiting with the Land's, Austin and I felt confident this was the direction God was pointing us.  It's a smaller agency, however, it comes with the chance for a personal connection and relationship.  This was a huge factor for us--rather than talking to a stranger over the phone in another state, this agency offers us a chance to actually know our program coordinator.   I'd be lying if I said I hadn't experienced moments of confusion since we made that decision.  We're still on the email list for the first agency we started out with.  On my birthday, I got an email about the recent changes to the adoption laws in Taiwan (which we already knew about).  While it didn't contain lots of new information, it had just enough information that I immediately began wrestling with fear, allowing whispers (sometimes shouts) of doubt to plague my mind.  I've always been one to struggle with the "what's the best decision" question.  The culmination of that struggle seemed to hit in the late hours on the evening of my birthday.  I'm not sure if this was partly due to the fact that I was reflecting on another year passing, wondering where life will be a year from now.  Instead of focusing on what life might hold on birthday 34, I tried to shift my perspective and be grateful for what 33 offered:  Waking up with my best friend and being madly in love with him.  Talking to both of my grandmothers. Lunch with my parents who are healthy and happy. Talking to Jenn on my drive home--and how she encourages me. A birthday phone call from Fowler. A neighbor who cut our grass.  The list could go on and on.  

The following morning, I listened to a podcast on my drive in to work entitled "Soul Detox."  The part of the message that struck me was about only using "life-affirming" words.  Stop allowing circumstances to bring you down, to cause doubt, to believe there is no hope, no possibility.  I serve an all-knowing, all-capable God!!  He set this plan in motion for me and Austin and He already knows how this messy and beautiful journey will end.  I can surrender, I can trust, I can rest in the fact that He is who He is, I can have utter and complete faith in the process.  I don't have to listen to fears and doubts because nothing is impossible.  Laws can be passed in other countries, decisions can be delayed, barriers can be thrown in our path.....but NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD!  When I finally allowed this truth to sink deep into my heart, I felt the greatest sense of freedom!  It's not mine to carry, He is in control.  

A year ago, I could have never dreamed that this is where we would be--and yet here we sit, an approved home study, an application turned in, and waiting (while praying fervently) for God to send us a referral for our child.  It truly is a story more beautiful that I could have ever imagined.