Life is Messy and Beautiful.

It's been almost three weeks since I last posted, so this entry may be long, disjointed, and at times, rambling.  I have so many thoughts that I want to capture.  I'll try to be brief (but if you know me, this is not a skill I am great at.....thanks for passing down that trait mom!).  

 Thank you for writing a more beautiful story than I could ever imagine.
[Source: http://spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com]

In the past three weeks, we formally switched adoption agencies, said goodbye to Olivia as she left for college, celebrated my 33rd birthday, and received news our home study was approved (praise Jesus!!).  That's a lot in three weeks.  I'll start with the adoption agency decision.  After visiting with the Land's, Austin and I felt confident this was the direction God was pointing us.  It's a smaller agency, however, it comes with the chance for a personal connection and relationship.  This was a huge factor for us--rather than talking to a stranger over the phone in another state, this agency offers us a chance to actually know our program coordinator.   I'd be lying if I said I hadn't experienced moments of confusion since we made that decision.  We're still on the email list for the first agency we started out with.  On my birthday, I got an email about the recent changes to the adoption laws in Taiwan (which we already knew about).  While it didn't contain lots of new information, it had just enough information that I immediately began wrestling with fear, allowing whispers (sometimes shouts) of doubt to plague my mind.  I've always been one to struggle with the "what's the best decision" question.  The culmination of that struggle seemed to hit in the late hours on the evening of my birthday.  I'm not sure if this was partly due to the fact that I was reflecting on another year passing, wondering where life will be a year from now.  Instead of focusing on what life might hold on birthday 34, I tried to shift my perspective and be grateful for what 33 offered:  Waking up with my best friend and being madly in love with him.  Talking to both of my grandmothers. Lunch with my parents who are healthy and happy. Talking to Jenn on my drive home--and how she encourages me. A birthday phone call from Fowler. A neighbor who cut our grass.  The list could go on and on.  

The following morning, I listened to a podcast on my drive in to work entitled "Soul Detox."  The part of the message that struck me was about only using "life-affirming" words.  Stop allowing circumstances to bring you down, to cause doubt, to believe there is no hope, no possibility.  I serve an all-knowing, all-capable God!!  He set this plan in motion for me and Austin and He already knows how this messy and beautiful journey will end.  I can surrender, I can trust, I can rest in the fact that He is who He is, I can have utter and complete faith in the process.  I don't have to listen to fears and doubts because nothing is impossible.  Laws can be passed in other countries, decisions can be delayed, barriers can be thrown in our path.....but NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD!  When I finally allowed this truth to sink deep into my heart, I felt the greatest sense of freedom!  It's not mine to carry, He is in control.  

A year ago, I could have never dreamed that this is where we would be--and yet here we sit, an approved home study, an application turned in, and waiting (while praying fervently) for God to send us a referral for our child.  It truly is a story more beautiful that I could have ever imagined. 

Sitting. Waiting. Wishing.

Wishing in Central Park

This has been a crazy week--we returned late on Monday night from taking Olivia to New York as a birthday/graduation present. Austin and I wanted to give her something special in honor of the two big milestones.  It was a great trip!  We watched Phantom of the Opera, ate pizza in Little Italy, had vegan ice cream in the East Village and walked through almost all of Central Park (including throwing a penny in the fountain and making a wish).  You name an area of New York and I can almost guarantee we walked through it.  While having breakfast at Sarabeth's in Central Park last Sunday, we told her that our hope is when she grows old, she will smile and remember the trip and the fun we had.  I can say with honest sincerity that if we ever have a daughter, having one like Olivia would be a blessing.  She is kind, loving, smart and beautiful.  While it will be hard to watch her drive away for college, Austin and I know God has big plans in store for her life. 

While in New York, Austin and I both were constantly noticing families, especially adoptive families or those with Asian children.  It's so hard sometimes to stay present, to not let my mind stray years ahead, become filled with visions of taking our son/daughter on trips, showing them different parts of the world.  So many times either Austin or myself would say "I can't wait to bring our little one here to show them _____."  When we landed in Nashville on Monday night, I even found myself tearing up as we walked toward the greeting area of the airport.  I could just see our families and friends waiting, see us carrying our child, see us rejoicing for answered prayers.  I know dreaming isn't a bad thing, however, I also know the importance of staying present.  A quote I keep taped to my computer at work says the following: 

Sometimes instead of considering what is next, I simply have to consider what is.  And He is--and He is always enough.

The good news is Jesus is always enough.  I can rest in the that truth even when my heart is heavy, even when my dreams seem out of reach, even when it seems like a situation isn't moving forward, He is always enough. 

Thankful today for....

• Worshiping alongside my husband
• Breakfast with friends family (love you Brian, Whitney & Grace)
• Scripture that reminds me nothing is impossible with God
• Rainy and overcast Sundays
• Homemade pizza on the grill
• Tight budget that is causing me to make wiser choices
• Memories of a friend who left this world too soon
• Text from Olivia telling me she loved me 

Love and hugs!