How could I ever fully describe the experience of holding our child for the first time? How can I tell you what my heart felt watching Austin be a dad?
How could I ever explain the complexity of how beautiful and brutal ("brutifal" as Glennon Melton would say) those seven days were?
Knowing that the words will never fully capture it,
I will give it my best.
We left Nashville around 7:00pm on Saturday, August 17th. After stopping in Los Angeles for a couple of hours, we boarded Eva Air for the long flight to Taipei. Thirteen hours later, we arrived at Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport, the largest airport in Taipei. In order to reach Taitung, the city where Shay lives, we had to take an hour cab ride to a different airport (referred to as the "domestic" airport). The flight to Taitung only took about an hour and when we arrived, Deana was there to pick us up. Our hotel was located in the middle of the city so she dropped us off and we spent the next hour unpacking and trying to grasp the fact that we were only moments away from meeting Shay for the first time. Deana picked us back up and drove us to the church where Shay was waiting, along with his nanny (and her mother, his grandnanny as we call her).
When we walked in, there was our baby boy, in his little firetruck outfit, looking just as beautiful and perfect as we expected. He wasn't afraid of us, more curious than anything else. His nanny had prepared a bottle for me to feed him which was wonderful. We took some pictures, captured some videos and then got back in the van to head to the hotel. Shay was content the entire ride back, however, after a few minutes of being in the hotel room, we could tell he was confused about his surroundings. His nanny told us that he was also teething pretty bad, along with a runny nose and cough. Him not feeling well, combined with the fact that nothing was familiar in his environment, made for a rough 12 hours. Austin and I tried to prepare ourselves for a range of possibilities of how he might react to us, but honestly, I don't think you can ever really prepare for it. It was a mixture of pure bliss tied up in extreme sadness. Shay was grieving for his nanny (which is actually good because it meant he had formed a healthy attachment, a key developmental step in adoption). Austin and I didn't even eat a meal that entire first day.....and the three of us were sound asleep by 7:00pm.
Tuesday and Wednesday were primarily spent with us getting to know each other as a family. We took baths, played in the room, walked around the streets of Taitung, basically anything to keep Shay entertained. We didn't realize we were visiting Taiwan during Ghost Festival, which explained why everywhere we walked we saw fires and things being burned (I could do a whole different post on this.....it was certainly a cultural experience). Shay did great as long as we were outside--but back in the room, he would quickly be reminded that he wasn't in his normal environment. He became incredibly attached to me, only allowing me to feed him or hold him. In fact, for me to even take a shower, Austin would have to take him to ride the elevator. We knew going into it that he had not been around a lot of men so it wasn't too surprising that he wanted me to do all the "nurturing" things like rocking him to sleep and feeding him.
We woke up Thursday morning rather anxious as it was the day for us to be in court. Deana picked us up at the hotel and drove us to the municipal building. Soon after we got there, Shay's birth family arrived. After only a few minutes, it was time for us to enter the court room. We had a court appointed translator that sat beside us and assisted us with answering questions and also explained what was being said. Austin and I were extremely nervous to say the least. At times, I almost felt like I was in a movie, watching it happen. We were asked a variety of questions, as was the birth family. We were given an opportunity to address the judge directly and also the birth family. The whole process took about 45 minutes. I am deeply grateful that our judge seemed to have a kind spirit about him. He genuinely seemed to understand our hearts and even commended us for traveling during a typhoon. After court was over, we made our way outside.
There was a very special encounter between me and his birth grandmother. In an effort to keep part of Shay's story private, I don't feel like now is time to share all the details of what happened while standing out in the courtyard. I can say with complete certainty that his birth family only wants Shay to have a better life than the one they could offer. I was incredibly emotional for a mixture of reasons....I was overwhelmed with gratitude for Shay's birth family, I was relieved that court was over, and I was heartbroken by the reminder that all adoptions are born out of loss. I could feel it deep in my soul.
The next couple of days we could breathe a little easier with court behind us. Shay began really playing with Austin, sitting in the floor of the hotel room for hours at a time. We ate twice at our favorite dumpling restaurant. We went for ice cream. We took a cab to the Naruwan Hotel and explored. On Saturday night, Austin and I went to bed with an intense feeling of heaviness knowing what the next day would hold. Shay went to bed, woke up around 3:00am and wanted to play. I gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep, waking up around 6:30am. He was in the happiest mood that morning. I fed him breakfast, we gave him a bath, and then began the process of trying to pack our suitcases. This is rather hard to do with a tenth month old who loves to crawl and pull things out of bags. Austin decided to take Shay exploring one last time so I could shower and get things organized.
Luke picked us up at the hotel and drove us to the church to drop Shay off and then take us on to the airport. As soon as I felt the van door shut, I immediately felt sick.....all it took was one glance at Austin and the tears started to fall. Deana was waiting on us at the church and agreed to watch Shay until his nanny could arrive and pick him up. The whole process of saying goodbye to him was simply awful. I can't tell you what this did to my mama heart. With all honesty, I can tell you it was the hardest thing I've ever lived through. It literally felt like a piece of my heart was being ripped out. Once Austin and I made it to the airport, we just sat in silence and cried. Sometimes, there just aren't words.....
The first few days back felt like a complete blur. The heartbreak was almost unbearable (and continues to be). We both had to transition back to work the day after we got home so we did our best to try and function like regular people. I can assure you nothing has felt regular since we returned because we left half of our hearts in Taiwan. Until we are reunited as a family, it will not be normal for us. The wonderful news is we have already received our first decree from the court! The news arrived last Friday so now we are anxiously awaiting the final decree. Once that is received, we can get an appointment with AIT and then book our flights to return to Taiwan to bring Shay home.
While in Taiwan, we kept music playing almost non-stop in our room. One album that we kept playing over and over was by The Head and the Heart (my newest favorite). I would walk around the hotel room, holding Shay, rocking him and singing. One song on the album, Rivers and Roads, has a line that says:
I miss his beautiful face, the way his black hair would stick straight up after a nap, the way he smelled after his bath, the way he giggled uncontrollably when I kissed the right side of his little neck.
Nothing is as it has been....and it won't until we are together again He is eleven months old today--please join us in praying that this is the last month we aren't together as a family to celebrate.
Love you all!
Praying for you all! This is so beautifully written and my heart just aches for you. Shay is a very lucky little guy and I can't wait until you get to bring him home and start your next chapter with him. Love to you both!
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