Christmas Reflections

It's Christmas Eve and I just got home from Franklin after spending a couple of days with my in-laws.  The Christmas Story is on TV (a must watch on Christmas Eve) and I'm wrapping my last few presents.  Austin is on shift tonight so for the first Christmas in my married life, I'll be going to sleep without my best friend by my side.  On a brighter note, I was blessed to attend service with him tonight and then feed his entire fire station (thanks to help from his sweet family).  While this night has been different than years before, I couldn't be happier and more thankful.   One year ago tomorrow, Austin and I were on our way to my parent's house for our annual Christmas breakfast.  As we drove, we talked about how thankful we were for so many different things, for each other, for our families, just all of it.  After a brief pause, Austin said he had something to tell me, that he had planned to wait until New Year's Eve, but that the time just felt right.  As I watched tears roll down his face from beneath his sunglasses, he told me that God had given him his answer--he knew that adoption was the path for us to become parents.  While my heart had been there longer, I was confident that if this was to be our future, God would have to reveal it to Austin's heart in the same way he'd revealed it to mine.  It was the greatest gift I could have ever received that day.  We agreed to start down the path and that our goal was to be on a waiting list by the end of 2012.  And here we sit today, one year later, homestudy approved, immigration approved, and on the waiting list for that precious little child to be matched with us.  As I drove home tonight, I felt an unexplainable level of gratitude.  Austin is living out his dream and calling of being a firefighter.  We have a safe and warm home.  Our families are healthy.  We are going to become parents (possibly soon).  It's all too much for my heart to take in.  I am simply bowed low with humble gratitude for all that Jesus has done for me. This has been an amazing year in so many different ways. 

Merry Christmas!  Love and hugs! 

Just Gotta Keep Livin'

If you read any adoption website, blog, or book, there is a commonality that all waiting parents will express:  the waiting period is brutal.  You watch the days pass by on the calendar, check your phone for missed calls from your agency, gaze at an empty nursery, and try to not spend hours thinking about your baby-to-be somewhere on the other side of the world.  Up until recently, I think I've managed the waiting process pretty well, but the last couple of weeks, it's starting to get harder.  The weight of it is heavier.  It's difficult not to think about.  I realize the holidays are probably a huge factor as to why it seems harder.  With each Christmas tradition, I think about what life might look like next year.  Will he/she be with us to decorate the tree?  Will we be waking up on Christmas morning as first-time parents?  How will life be different? And on and on and on.  The questions don't stop and neither does the ache in my heart.  The void is always there, always present. 

So the question is how does one stay sane in the midst of this?  There are several things that keep Austin and I grounded, our faith being first and foremost.  No matter what, we always rest in the fact that we are on this journey for a reason and that an uncertain tomorrow can be trusted to an unchanging God.   Other helpful things include spending time with friends and family, making plans to keep our calendar full, and just doing the things we both love and enjoy.  Basically, it's the Matthew McConaughey approach to life.....you just gotta keep livin' man, l-i-v-i-n.  

One thing that seems to help me?  CrossFit.  For for the past year and a half, I've been doing CrossFit on a regular basis.  There are lots of great things I can say about my experience, but recently, I've noticed it's the one hour of my day where I can just simply be present.  I don't find myself thinking about next week, next month or next year.  It's not about the paperwork, it's not about the what-ifs, it's not about the staggering amount of money we still need to come up with.  It's just about me and the bar and the idea of doing one thing to get better that day.  During that one hour, this is what I hear instead of my incessant thoughts:

"Get on the bar Abby."

"We don't say can't in this gym Abby."

"Let's get strong today Abby. "

"We're getting a PR today Abby."  

For that one hour, I'm unconcerned about the future.  The ache and void seem dimmer.  When I'm finished, I walk to my car feeling accomplished, content and usually exhausted.  The questions and thoughts always return, but as soon as I walk back in the doors the next day, they fade away and once again, it's just about the present moment.   

I love that.

(Thanks to our IMA CrossFit family for being part of this journey. You rock.)