35

Two weeks ago today, I turned 35.  It’s the first birthday I’ve celebrated as a woman, wife and mother—that elusive trio of nouns that I wondered would ever be used to describe me.  

The funny thing is, in many ways I still feel exactly as I did at 25.  Only by looking at old pictures do I fully understand how much time has passed.  There have been so many times since my birthday that I wanted to sit down and find the space to write, to get my thoughts captured as they spun through my mind. To be truthful, the call to write seems to be continually present these days.  I’m working to squeeze in time for writing because I know it’s important—not because what I write is unique or special, but rather because it does something for my spirit.  And that matters.  

The primary thoughts I’ve had are centered around where I am in life and what it says about me.  

A few things you should know about where I'm at in life today:

• I’m no longer a homeowner (we sold our house in June and are currently renting).
• We are living in a tiny rental house (it has one bathroom and no garage).
• I’m no longer officially employed anywhere (I left my job in June but I’m still freelancing jobs here and there).
• I own half the stuff I used to (when we moved, we basically sold or donated about half of what we owned). 

Some people might take a look at that list and be quick to point out that for my age, I’m not very successful when measured against typical standards.

I would argue otherwise.  

What does it mean to live a rich life?  Why is it a given that everyone’s measure of rich and successful is a big house, expensive things, new car, new clothes, exotic travel, etc.?  When did that become the only measure? When did we start letting others define what rich means for our own lives?  

About my list above?  We aren’t homeowners any longer, but we are debt-free as a result of selling our house. Our rental house may be tiny, but it’s cozy and due to the location, it allows us to walk lots of different places (something I always dreamed about).  It’s also minutes from Austin’s fire station and allows him to be home with us an extra two hours each time he’s on-shift.  I’m not working full-time so my paycheck is small (or non-existent at times) but I get to control how my time is spent.  I get to take Shay to story time, we get to play at the park, I get to make dinner and I’m not stuck sitting in rush hour traffic hating life.  


I’ve learned what contentment looks like in a way I never knew possible.  Instead of striving for

My birthday picnic--with my two best guys

the next bigger and better thing, I find myself drawn to the opposite.  Smaller and simpler speak to my soul.  A hike in the woods, a picnic at the park, a walk at sunset, the sound of my child’s laughter—I don’t need money for any of these things and they feed me in a way that no monetary thing could ever come close to.  I may not have a lot financially, but that’s not where I place my identity or my trust.  


I've changed in other ways as well.  

I’ve grown to understand that friendships change, some grow distant, not for any particular reason, they just slowly drift.  And at the same time, some grow so precious that it rivals a family bond.  The younger version of me struggled to understand this, I always found myself wanting to fix friendships or relationships, would spend time worrying I had done something wrong or wondering why people are the way they are.  I don’t do this anymore and life is so much simpler as a result.  

I received the gift of motherhood in a unique way. For years, I felt broken and shamed because I stood on the outside and looked in on the exclusive motherhood sorority as an outsider.  I allowed bitterness to grow in my heart toward other women who seemed to fall into motherhood with zero effort (or even desire for that matter).  And today?  I’m a mother and I entered it in a way that if I could be the author of my life, I wouldn’t write it any other way.  I mean every word of that from the very depths of my soul.  What I once thought couldn’t be redeemed was transformed into a thing of beauty.  I’m deeply grateful that this was the chosen path for my life.  Austin and I are on a special parenting journey that we were uniquely chosen for.  Instead of broken and shamed, I am called and set apart.  

As I’ve always been reminded by older generations, I’m sure the days will continue to slip by at an even faster pace.  My prayer is that I would allow the Lord to continue his work in my heart and life.  I want to remain open, hopeful, obedient and present for all of my days ahead.

I’m so grateful for this life.  

35 feels pretty good to me.   

Created for Care Recap

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to attend the Created for Care retreat in

Georgia.  This is an amazing retreat for adoptive mothers, full of practical breakout sessions, quiet time with God, praise and worship time, and general rest and relaxation.  Due to its popularity, you have to register literally within hours when the link is live.  At the time, I assumed Shay would have been home for a longer period of time and went ahead and signed up.  Of course, our timetable was delayed and he is just now closing in on six months of being home with us.  I was rather anxious about leaving him--and leaving Austin.  One of my amazing adoption mama friends, April, gave me some sage advice--regardless of when I chose to leave him (now or six months from now), the feeling would remain the same.  Also, if mommy never leaves, how can he learn to trust that daddy is equally reliable?  The combination of this advice helped me make the decision to go on to the retreat as planned, and man, am I so thankful I made that decision.

Can I be fully transparent?  I've been feeling depleted.

Seriously depleted.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally depleted.  All of it.  


As an adoptive mother, it's hard to admit some of these feelings out loud.  I've learned that it seems biological mothers have more freedom in expressing these types of emotions, they aren't layered in the same way they are for adoptive moms.  These past six months have been the most amazing, wonderful, challenging, beautiful, life-altering ones I've ever experienced.  Shay is almost eighteen months old, however, I've only been a mother for six months.  As the mother of a biological six month old, I realize there would have been a host of challenges I would have been navigating--learning how to breast feed, getting the baby on a sleep schedule, trying to get my pre-pregnancy body back, introducing baby food, etc.  The difference for me is my six month old is actually eighteen months old---and he is walking, running, climbing, talking, needing entertainment/activities planned, requires five healthy meals/snacks per day, doesn't sleep/nap well and still deals with pretty major separation anxiety when I'm not around.  There hasn't been any downtime, no "let me lay you in the bouncy seat while mom takes a shower", no "let me have someone watch you while mommy goes to the gym", no "we are letting him cry it out so he learns to self-soothe."  I'm not saying one is better than the other, just pointing out the challenges between the two are different.  I think people might assume it's easier to start out with a baby that's older, however, I think understanding the biological age v. the chronological age the child is in the family can explain some of the unique challenges adoptive families face.  

Which brings me back to the need for the retreat.....and  may help explain why I gave myself permission to go and allow some time for personal renewal.   I love the expression "you can't draw from an empty well" and I felt like my well was dry to say the least.

The weekend was structured with the same main speaker delivering four different talks over the weekend (main speaker was Beth Guckenburger of Back2Back Ministries--who was great Bible teacher and feed my spirit in so many ways), breakout sessions on parenting, quiet time (called Date with God), fellowship time with other moms and more.  A special treat was the worship time, which was led by an amazing husband and wife duo, Candi and Jonathan Shelton.  They were amazing--check out their music on iTunes!  In addition to the great sessions, the environment itself was beautiful and tranquil, taking place at the Legacy Lodge at Lake Lanier.  To give you an idea of how thoughtful and creative the women behind Created for Care are, when I checked in, there was a handwritten letter waiting on me from Austin.  The husbands had received an email asking them to send a letter for their wives to read once they arrived as a surprise.  It was extremely emotional for me to read what Austin had written but was such a blessing to my heart.  


I learned so much over the weekend--that it's okay to admit that my tank was low and I needed some time away.  I learned that Shay and Austin can make it just fine without me (thanks to wonderful grandparents who helped!).  I learned that some of my frustrations with parenting are tied to my own selfish nature.  I also learned that God has woven adoption into my life story and I couldn't be more thankful that this is the path He chose for me.  Like the theme of the retreat, I am called to Be Love and I am also Beloved by Him.  

Grace Upon Grace

It's 7:55pm and the house is quiet.  To my right, I see one of our cats, Belle, resting comfortably at the edge of the couch.   As I scan the room, I see an assortment of toys scattered on the floor--blocks, a wooden spoon, a little red car.  

My heart is full.

Exactly four months ago today, we landed in Nashville and officially began our journey as a family of three. There have been so many times these last few months that I wanted to sit down and write, to try and capture how I feel before the moment passes. If you've ever been the mother of a toddler, you probably know that finding uninterrupted personal time is a rarity.  Instead of bemoaning my lack of free time, I'm trying to learn the importance of living in the season in which God has placed me.  

What is this season?  How can I best describe it?  

It's learning how to function on very little sleep (something I understood from a cognitive level but was not prepared for on a physical level).  

It's falling in love with your husband in a deeper, fuller way as you watch him grow as a father and provider.

It's hearing "mama" spoken in a sweet soft tone through the monitor in the early morning hours, an invitation for you to come and cuddle.  

It's dying to self, struggling to put off selfish ways and habits as you pour into your child.  

It's waves of disbelief that your baby is here, he is actually HERE, in your arms, no longer a dream but a living example of an answered prayer.

It's realizing that maybe dinners out every weekend were overrated.  There's nothing wrong with dinner at home, an early bedtime, a Netflix movie.  

It's profound gratitude for Shay's birth mother.  When I think about her, I am simply undone with gratefulness, unable to control the hot tears that form almost instantly when I consider the choice she made for his life.

It's hard.  Parenting is not easy, and in my experience, it seems like being an adoptive parent adds a layer of doubt.  Are we doing it well?  Is this normal? Is this attachment?  Is this grief?  Is he scared? Is he hurting?  

It's extremely clarifying.  Over the last four months, the things that truly matter have taken on a whole new level of clarity.  Money, houses, jobs, friendships, family relationships.....all of it looks and feels differently.  Austin and I are more clear than ever about the type of life we want to cultivate.  

Simply put, it's grace upon grace.

You are Faithful

For reasons most of you can understand, this post is extremely overdue.  We’ve been home for almost seven weeks and each day, we find ourselves slowly settling into our new life as a family of three.   In fact, there are times where it feels like Shay has been with us always—and in some ways, he has been (at least in our hearts).  Before too much time passes, I wanted to capture the memories from our last trip and share them (this will read more like a travel log).

Day #1—Thursday, October 3 (and October 4)

We left Nashville on Thursday but with the thirteen hour time difference, we landed in Taipei around 10pm on Friday, October 4.  After getting our luggage and going through customs, we made it to our hotel a little after midnight.  When we opened our luggage, we found two surprises—one, the custom gold necklace we bought for Shay’s birth mother had been stolen.  All that was left behind was the torn gift wrapping and empty box.  When Austin opened his bag, the powdered Gatorade can (which we were bringing over for Deana’s family) had exploded somewhere over the Pacific.  He had neon green sand stuck to every single stitch of clothing in his bag.  Thankfully, our hotel offered free washer and dryer services—but Austin was up until 2:00am getting everything washed and dried.

Day #2—Saturday, October 5

Although jet lag does not make for restful sleep, we were able to sleep in a bit since our flight from Taipei to Taitung wasn’t scheduled to leave from the domestic airport until mid-afternoon.  The cool thing about our hotel (Park City Hotel in Luzhou Taipei) was a Metro station was located in the bottom of it.  Since it was just the two of us, Austin and I decided to save a few dollars and take the Metro to the domestic airport instead of catching a cab.  What we didn’t realize is traveling on the Metro is difficult when you A) have to make at least four different connections to get on the right line and B) doing this with large and bulky luggage.  The Metro system in Taiwan is rather interesting—it’s insanely clean.  Austin was actually prevented from getting on at one stop because he was chewing gum.  We arrived (a bit frazzled) at the domestic airport with only about thirty minutes to kill before our flight left.  This was not exactly how we intended our morning to start off, however, it was certainly added to the cultural experience.

Us with Shay's wonderful Nanny!

After we landed in Taitung, Deana picked us up and we headed straight to Morning Light to be reunited with Shay.  When we arrived, his Nanny brought him downstairs to greet us.  He immediately smiled and reached for me (yes, I thought my heart might burst).  He was a little timid of Austin, primarily because he just was rarely around men.  He got upset when his Nanny left (understandably) so we quickly loaded up and headed to the bed and breakfast where we would be staying through the weekend.   When we got settled in our room, he was upset (as he was the last time) but this time around, we were prepared.  Austin helped me put him in the Boba wrap and just like that, he calmed down and almost seemed to remember exactly who we were.  Even though it was officially Shay’s first birthday, we all three were exhausted and decided the best thing was to get to bed early and celebrate when we all felt better. 

Day #3—Sunday, October 5

Our bed and breakfast was only a short five minute walk to Morning Light, where we had the chance to attend Sunday morning services.  At the end of the service, they asked us to come forward and prayed a special blessing over us as a family (love!).
 

After church, we went to lunch with the Pan’s and later that afternoon, we returned to the church to spend time with Shay’s birth family.  It was a very special time—lots of pictures taken along with love and hugs (both of which defy language barriers).  We feel so extremely fortunate to be connected with his birth mother and her family.  They are such loving and kind people who genuinely love Shay and want the best life for him.  On Sunday night, we walked back into the main area of Taitung to eat one last time at our favorite dumpling restaurant.  Shay was so tired from the day that he fell asleep in his pouch as we walked back to our room.  It was a wonderful day.

Day #4—Monday, October 6

We got up early to re-pack our bags and Deana picked us up and drove to the court house in Taitung to wait for the final decree to be issued.  Thankfully, after about a thirty minute wait, the court clerk brought out the decree that the judge had signed.

Hurdle #1 passed.  Hooray!  Shay was officially ours!!  

We loaded back in the van and Deana drove us to the airport so we could catch

our flight back to Taipei.  While this was Shay’s first time on an airplane, he did really well on the short flight from Taitung to Taipei (only about an hour) thanks in part to the emergency information cards in the seatback pocket.  When we landed in Taipei, Ted was waiting on us with lunch and we hopped in the car and headed straight to the passport office. 

Oh.my.word.

I wish I could tell you what this scene looked like—sort of a combination between the Social Security Office and DMV combined, except about a hundred times more busy and chaotic.  Ted went straight to the counter to request an expedited passport review…..to which the lady promptly refused.  He explained our situation, how the decree had just been issued and that we had a flight back to the US in less than 48 hours.  She wanted to see proof of our return flight home plus even wanted to see the boarding passes from our flight from Taitung to prove we had come straight from the airport.  She made it clear that our “emergency” did not fit the description in her book.  I was so nervous that I had Shay in his wrap and I walked to the back of the office, cried, paced and prayed.  After what felt like an eternity (at least an hour and a half), she gave in and processed our form and told us to return the following morning to pick it up.

Hurdle #2 passed.  Thank you Lord!

After leaving the passport office, we returned to the hotel for a quick rest and then left to tour the Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall.  It was a short walk from our hotel and was pretty impressive.  We made it just in time to watch the changing of the guard ceremony.  The grounds were beautiful.  From there, we went to a dumpling house that was recommended by our hotel.  We had dinner, found an ice cream shop and walked around a bit doing touristy stuff before heading back for the night.

Day #5—Tuesday, October 7

Ted picked us up after breakfast and our first stop was the passport office (check out the picture of Shay’s passport—could there be anything cuter?!).  Our next stop was the Taiwan Adventist Hospital for Shay to get his physical completed.   He was weighed, measured and his medical records were reviewed.  Unfortunately, since he had turned one only a few days prior, he was due for his varicella (aka—chickenpox) vaccine.  Cue panic from mom….this was not what I wanted to hear, knowing we were nearing twenty four hours before boarding a flight (and how shots can make little ones cranky and tired).  We had to go from one area of the hospital to an outpatient area for another doctor to evaluate Shay prior to the vaccine.  Shay did great, only crying for a minute (more about being separated from me than the shot itself).  We needed his physical form to be completed and released the following morning in order to take it to our AIT appointment.  It normally takes around a week to get it released, however, they agreed to complete the form and have it ready for pickup on Wednesday morning.

Hurdle #3 passed!  Only one left! 

After we left the hospital, Ted took us to lunch with another family who had just

completed their AIT appointment.  It’s amazing how you can meet a complete stranger and within minutes, the bond of adoption makes you feel like you’ve known them forever.  After lunch, we felt like we could relax a bit since the majority of the steps were behind us.  We walked to Taipei 101 building and bought tickets to the observation deck.  It was amazing!  We came back to the hotel late that afternoon, just in time for the after effects of Shay’s vaccine to kick in.  He did not feel well and cried for almost an hour before falling asleep around 5:30pm….and slept through the night until 5:00am the next morning.

Day #6—Wednesday, October 9

We got our bags re-packed and tried to prepare for the long day ahead of us.  After breakfast, we jumped on Skype one final time to see family before checking out of the hotel and doing a little shopping.  Ted picked us back up and we had an early lunch nearby the AIT office since our appointment was at 1:30pm.  Our appointment consisted of turning in all our documentation and then waiting about an hour for them to review it and then conduct a brief interview with us.  After answering a few basic questions signing some forms, we were handed a sealed packet and told not to open it and turn it in to immigration when we landed in the United States.

Hurdle #4 passed!  Praise Jesus we are coming HOME!!!!! 

I cannot tell you what a huge relief it was to drive away from that building, holding Shay in my arms, complete with his sweet little passport and all his official documentation.  

Since our flight did not leave Taipei until almost midnight, we had several hours of downtime.  Ted drove us to Luodong to spend the afternoon at the Home of God’s Love (the orphanage he and his wife run).  It was about an hour drive from Taipei and we got to see beautiful countryside (and drive through one of the world’s largest tunnels).  Once we arrived, we got to meet some other families and get a tour of the new building under construction.  We had dinner and at 7:30pm, a van arrived to pick us up and drive us to the international airport.  It took a little less than two hours to get there and by this time, we were getting worn down.  It had been a really long day and the real adventure was only beginning (meaning 23 hours of travel ahead).  We had to purchase a ticket at the counter for Shay which ended up being a longer process than we had expected.  After getting through security, finding our gate, getting Shay into his pajamas and changing our clothes, it was literally time to start boarding.  Thankfully, we did get bulk head seating and a bassinet reserved so Shay had a little bed to sleep in (although he wasn’t super fond of it).  It was a long twelve hours to Los Angeles but Shay slept around seven or eight hours total.  

Upon landing in Los Angles, Austin and I made our way through customs and then we were told to go to another area to get Shay’s documentation processed.  This was quite an experience…..we were ushered to the front of the line since we were US citizens, but there literally hundreds of people (from all parts of the world) waiting to get processed.  After a short wait, Shay’s documentation was reviewed and we were free to go.  We had a layover of a couple of hours and did our best to keep Shay busy (when in doubt, we fed him….that seemed to work).  I was most nervous about the flight from Los Angeles to Dallas but he did great.  I put him in the wrap and he slept all but thirty minutes, waking up near the end to take a bottle.

Thursday, October 10

After we landed in Dallas, we had breakfast (our bodies were so confused at this point as to what day or time it was).  We found a family restroom and changed clothes, brushed teeth, and washed faces.  We boarded the flight to Nashville and within thirty minutes, Shay was asleep again.  When we landed in Nashville, I actually had to wake him up.

When we stepped off the plane, there was Wendy, capturing our homecoming.  I will forever be grateful that she was there to take the pictures as it was truly one of the happiest days of my life.   We were overwhelmed by the amount of friends and family that were there to see us arrive.  Despite all the traveling, Shay was extremely happy and was particularly amazed by the balloons people had brought. 

And that’s the story of how one Shay Douglas Cooper made his long journey from Taiwan to Tennessee.

There are so many things I want to write about that have happened in the last seven weeks—how life feels so much more intentional than before, how adjusting to being a mom has already changed me, how much I love seeing Austin be a dad, how amazed I am each day by our child.  There will be time for all those stories and more, but for today, I’ll simply say this-- God is faithful.  Even when I doubted his sovereignty, even when I was defeated and brokenhearted, even when I thought I couldn’t wait one day longer, He was faithful.  Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to enter into motherhood in this special and sacred way, for blessing Austin and I with this child who we love more than words could ever describe. 

Austin and I have said for months that this song was the perfect fit for our adoption story.

Never once did we ever walk alone. 

Never once did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God you are faithful.

We love each and every one of you!

Austin, Abby & Shay 

Prayers Needed

I just sent this email out to our friends and family and I decided to post it here at well.  We would really appreciate your prayers.


Good morning--

I am writing you this with an URGENT prayer request.  I just got off the phone with our contact in Taiwan (Bro. Skiles) and we are facing some serious problems.  First, the county clerk in Taitung is now saying our final decree has yet to be issued (even though she said it was scheduled to release September 20th when they spoke week before last).  Bro. Skiles is calling tomorrow to speak with the judge to get more information.  Second, Bro. Skiles was also notified today that due to the budget controversy within our US government, that as of October 1st, all non-essential government functions will be shut down.  This would include closing the American Institute in Taiwan (AIT), the organization that we have an appointment with next week to get Shay's visa issued so he can return home with us.

I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to pull myself off our bedroom floor, literally.  Given the emotional state I'm in, I'm not sure what else to say except our family desperately needs your prayers. Please pray that both of these issues will be resolved quickly.  While things feel very overwhelming and scary to me at this moment, I am reminded that I serve a God who is always present, one who will never leave me, one who is always faithful no matter what.  

I'm claiming these truths this morning:

Psalm 107:6

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.

Mark 11:24 
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 14:13-14 Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Will you please forward this email on to anyone you know that would be willing to join us in praying?  It's the only thing I know to do at this point.

Love you all,
Austin, Abby & Shay

Nothing Is As It Has Been

After roughly 36 hours of travel, we got home from Taiwan on Monday, August 26th.  Since that time, I've struggled to find the words and energy to even begin writing this post.  It's not because there isn't a lot of information to share, it's more because there is so much information and emotion tied up in it, I don't know where to start.  

How could I ever fully describe the experience of holding our child for the first time?  How can I tell you what my heart felt watching Austin be a dad?  
How could I ever explain the complexity of how beautiful and brutal ("brutifal" as Glennon Melton would say) those seven days were?  

Knowing that the words will never fully capture it,
I will give it my best.

We left Nashville around 7:00pm on Saturday, August 17th.  After stopping in Los Angeles for a couple of hours, we boarded Eva Air for the long flight to Taipei.  Thirteen hours later, we arrived at Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport, the largest airport in Taipei.  In order to reach Taitung, the city where Shay lives, we had to take an hour cab ride to a different airport (referred to as the "domestic" airport).  The flight to Taitung only took about an hour and when we arrived, Deana was there to pick us up.  Our hotel was located in the middle of the city so she dropped us off and we spent the next hour unpacking and trying to grasp the fact that we were only moments away from meeting Shay for the first time.  Deana picked us back up and drove us to the church where Shay was waiting, along with his nanny (and her mother, his grandnanny as we call her).  

When we walked in, there was our baby boy, in his little firetruck outfit, looking just as beautiful and perfect as we expected.  He wasn't afraid of us, more curious than anything else.  His nanny had prepared a bottle for me to feed him which was wonderful.  We took some pictures, captured some videos and then got back in the van to head to the hotel.  Shay was content the entire ride back, however, after a few minutes of being in the hotel room, we could tell he was confused about his surroundings.  His nanny told us that he was also teething pretty bad, along with a runny nose and cough.  Him not feeling well, combined with the fact that nothing was familiar in his environment, made for a rough 12 hours.  Austin and I tried to prepare ourselves for a range of possibilities of how he might react to us, but honestly, I don't think you can ever really prepare for it.  It was a mixture of pure bliss tied up in extreme sadness.  Shay was grieving for his nanny (which is actually good because it meant he had formed a healthy attachment, a key developmental step in adoption).  Austin and I didn't even eat a meal that entire first day.....and the three of us were sound asleep by 7:00pm.  

Tuesday and Wednesday were primarily spent with us getting to know each other as a family.  We took baths, played in the room, walked around the streets of Taitung, basically anything to keep Shay entertained.  We didn't realize we were visiting Taiwan during Ghost Festival, which explained why everywhere we walked we saw fires and things being burned (I could do a whole different post on this.....it was certainly a cultural experience).  Shay did great as long as we were outside--but back in the room, he would quickly be reminded that he wasn't in his normal environment.  He became incredibly attached to me, only allowing me to feed him or hold him.  In fact, for me to even take a shower, Austin would have to take him to ride the elevator.  We knew going into it that he had not been around a lot of men so it wasn't too surprising that he wanted me to do all the "nurturing" things like rocking him to sleep and feeding him.

We woke up Thursday morning rather anxious as it was the day for us to be in court.  Deana picked us up at the hotel and drove us to the municipal building.  Soon after we got there, Shay's birth family arrived.  After only a few minutes, it was time for us to enter the court room.  We had a court appointed translator that sat beside us and assisted us with answering questions and also explained what was being said.  Austin and I were extremely nervous to say the least.  At times, I almost felt like I was in a movie, watching it happen.  We were asked a variety of questions, as was the birth family.  We were given an opportunity to address the judge directly and also the birth family.  The whole process took about 45 minutes.  I am deeply grateful that our judge seemed to have a kind spirit about him.  He genuinely seemed to understand our hearts and even commended us for traveling during a typhoon.  After court was over, we made our way outside.  

There was a very special encounter between me and his birth grandmother.  In an effort to keep part of Shay's story private, I don't feel like now is time to share all the details of what happened while standing out in the courtyard.  I can say with complete certainty that his birth family only wants Shay to have a better life than the one they could offer.  I was incredibly emotional for a mixture of reasons....I was overwhelmed with gratitude for Shay's birth family, I was relieved that court was over, and I was heartbroken by the reminder that all adoptions are born out of loss.  I could feel it deep in my soul.
 
The next couple of days we could breathe a little easier with court behind us.  Shay began really playing with Austin, sitting in the floor of the hotel room for hours at a time.  We ate twice at our favorite dumpling restaurant.  We went for ice cream.  We took a cab to the Naruwan Hotel and explored.  On Saturday night, Austin and I went to bed with an intense feeling of heaviness knowing what the next day would hold.  Shay went to bed, woke up around 3:00am and wanted to play.  I gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep, waking up around 6:30am.  He was in the happiest mood that morning.  I fed him breakfast, we gave him a bath, and then began the process of trying to pack our suitcases.  This is rather hard to do with a tenth month old who loves to crawl and pull things out of bags.  Austin decided to take Shay exploring one last time so I could shower and get things organized. 

Luke picked us up at the hotel and drove us to the church to drop Shay off and then take us on to the airport.  As soon as I felt the van door shut, I immediately felt sick.....all it took was one glance at Austin and the tears started to fall.  Deana was waiting on us at the church and agreed to watch Shay until his nanny could arrive and pick him up.  The whole process of saying goodbye to him was simply awful.  I can't tell you what this did to my mama heart.  With all honesty, I can tell you it was the hardest thing I've ever lived through.  It literally felt like a piece of my heart was being ripped out.  Once Austin and I made it to the airport, we just sat in silence and cried.  Sometimes, there just aren't words.....

The first few days back felt like a complete blur.  The heartbreak was almost unbearable (and continues to be).  We both had to transition back to work the day after we got home so we did our best to try and function like regular people.  I can assure you nothing has felt regular since we returned because we left half of our hearts in Taiwan.  Until we are reunited as a family, it will not be normal for us.   The wonderful news is we have already received our first decree from the court!  The news arrived last Friday so now we are anxiously awaiting the final decree.  Once that is received, we can get an appointment with AIT and then book our flights to return to Taiwan to bring Shay home.  

While in Taiwan, we kept music playing almost non-stop in our room.  One album that we kept playing over and over was by The Head and the Heart (my newest favorite).  I would walk around the hotel room, holding Shay, rocking him and singing.  One song on the album, Rivers and Roads, has a line that says:

 


I miss his beautiful face, the way his black hair would stick straight up after a nap, the way he smelled after his bath, the way he giggled uncontrollably when I kissed the right side of his little neck.  

Nothing is as it has been....and it won't until we are together again  He is eleven months old today--please join us in praying that this is the last month we aren't together as a family to celebrate.

Love you all!

Our First Court Date!

I'm not the only one that would have
mistaken this number for a telemarketer, right?!

FINALLY!!!!  

Yesterday morning, we received the long awaited news that our first court date has been set!  At this point, Austin and I both still feel like we are dreaming. The last 48 hours have been a blur made up of tears of happiness, tons of text/calls/emails, frantic travel planning and a general feeling of disbelief that we are boarding a plane in two weeks to meet our son.  We don't get to bring Shay home on this trip, but we are excited nonetheless.
  
Did you catch what I just wrote?!?!  

TWO WEEKS AWAY PEOPLE!!!!!  

EEEEKKKKK!!!!!

Let me try to calm down enough to tell the whole story. 

We have been waiting for months for the courts to assign us an initial date.  As you know from my previous post, we hit a snag waiting on our PAIR letter to be issued.  We found out on July 7th that our letter had been issued by USCIS (immigration) and our case was being forwarded to AIT (American Institute of Taiwan--aka the embassy).   Last weekend, Austin and I had a chance to spend a few days near Seaside, Florida.  It was a much needed getaway as I had really reached a point of utter frustration with our lack of progress.  While we were in Florida, we got an email from the Home of God's Love that they had received the letter from AIT and submitted it to court.  Despite this news, I felt frustration grow after we got home due to some conflicting information about whether or not the court would accept our letter due to it not being authenticated.  Some weeks I'm able to manage my emotions better than others, and this week proved to be one where I was struggling.  In other words, I cried a lot.  About anything and everything.  

Then at 6:01am yesterday morning, our phone rang. 

As you know, Austin is a firefighter.  The City of Franklin has an automated phone system that calls when overtime is available.  Austin had already hit the snooze on his alarm so when the phone rang, he said "that's probably overtime calling."  I reached for the phone and saw the "unknown name" and what appeared to be a telemarketer phone number.  I never answer the phone when a number like this pops up.  I click the on button and then immediately hang up.  For whatever reason, I answered and there was a delay (again, just like when a telemarketer calls).  No one responded so I pressed a button and heard someone ask "may I speak to Abby?"  At this point, I was half-awake and fully annoyed.  In the rudest voice I could muster, I asked "who is this?" to which I heard "this is Ted Skiles, calling from Taiwan."

<cue Abby jumping out of bed like she's been shot from a cannon>

I immediately apologized for being so rude.  He said he was calling to notify me that we had received our initial court date for Thursday, August 22 at 9:30am.  Initially, there was some confusion on if we actually had to appear in court or not.  Within a few short minutes, Ted called back and confirmed that we needed to book flights in order to be in Taitung for an interview with a social worker and to be present for court.  This was not necessarily the news we had hoped for, however, at this point, any news that means progress is good news.  Apparently, Taiwan is moving toward requiring all families to travel twice, once for the initial court date and again after the final ruling and subsequent AIT appointment.  We know another waiting family that was required to travel for the first court date, however, their case is in a different district than ours so we had hoped we wouldn't be required to make two trips.  Financially speaking, we aren't really prepared to make two trips but we are confident we can figure out that part of it (somehow).  We considered the option of me staying behind with Shay and just waiting until the next court date so that we didn't have to make two trips.  This was something we wrestled with most of the day.  After much prayer and consideration, we decided for me to return with Austin.  The two primary reasons being a) it would be super challenging to be a first-time mom in another country for an unknown amount of time without my mate and b) the time frame between our first and second court dates is unknown.  It could be as short as six weeks or much longer, no one really knows. 

So, here we are--it's Saturday night, our flights are booked, our hotel is booked and two weeks from now, we will be sitting in Los Angeles (LAX) waiting to board a flight to Taipei.

We will get to spend six wonderful days loving on our baby boy. I will choose to cherish this gift for everything it offers and will try to not concentrate on the heartbreak of boarding a plane home without him.  

We desire your prayers around the following:

• Safety while traveling (it's around 22 hours of travel time.....one way)
• For Shay---we know he will most likely be confused as to who we are and why he isn't with his nanny
• Our visit with the social worker--that he/she will see our sincere love for Shay
• For our court date--that the process will go smoothly and the judge will grant us a first decree quickly

The verse Austin and I have been holding on to this week has been 2 Corinthians 1:20:

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God."

The answer has always been YES!  He is SO faithful!

We love you all!
Austin, Abby & Shay