My heart is full.
Exactly four months ago today, we landed in Nashville and officially began our journey as a family of three. There have been so many times these last few months that I wanted to sit down and write, to try and capture how I feel before the moment passes. If you've ever been the mother of a toddler, you probably know that finding uninterrupted personal time is a rarity. Instead of bemoaning my lack of free time, I'm trying to learn the importance of living in the season in which God has placed me.
What is this season? How can I best describe it?
It's learning how to function on very little sleep (something I understood from a cognitive level but was not prepared for on a physical level).
It's falling in love with your husband in a deeper, fuller way as you watch him grow as a father and provider.
It's hearing "mama" spoken in a sweet soft tone through the monitor in the early morning hours, an invitation for you to come and cuddle.
It's dying to self, struggling to put off selfish ways and habits as you pour into your child.
It's waves of disbelief that your baby is here, he is actually HERE, in your arms, no longer a dream but a living example of an answered prayer.
It's realizing that maybe dinners out every weekend were overrated. There's nothing wrong with dinner at home, an early bedtime, a Netflix movie.
It's profound gratitude for Shay's birth mother. When I think about her, I am simply undone with gratefulness, unable to control the hot tears that form almost instantly when I consider the choice she made for his life.
It's hard. Parenting is not easy, and in my experience, it seems like being an adoptive parent adds a layer of doubt. Are we doing it well? Is this normal? Is this attachment? Is this grief? Is he scared? Is he hurting?
It's extremely clarifying. Over the last four months, the things that truly matter have taken on a whole new level of clarity. Money, houses, jobs, friendships, family relationships.....all of it looks and feels differently. Austin and I are more clear than ever about the type of life we want to cultivate.
Simply put, it's grace upon grace.
