35

Two weeks ago today, I turned 35.  It’s the first birthday I’ve celebrated as a woman, wife and mother—that elusive trio of nouns that I wondered would ever be used to describe me.  

The funny thing is, in many ways I still feel exactly as I did at 25.  Only by looking at old pictures do I fully understand how much time has passed.  There have been so many times since my birthday that I wanted to sit down and find the space to write, to get my thoughts captured as they spun through my mind. To be truthful, the call to write seems to be continually present these days.  I’m working to squeeze in time for writing because I know it’s important—not because what I write is unique or special, but rather because it does something for my spirit.  And that matters.  

The primary thoughts I’ve had are centered around where I am in life and what it says about me.  

A few things you should know about where I'm at in life today:

• I’m no longer a homeowner (we sold our house in June and are currently renting).
• We are living in a tiny rental house (it has one bathroom and no garage).
• I’m no longer officially employed anywhere (I left my job in June but I’m still freelancing jobs here and there).
• I own half the stuff I used to (when we moved, we basically sold or donated about half of what we owned). 

Some people might take a look at that list and be quick to point out that for my age, I’m not very successful when measured against typical standards.

I would argue otherwise.  

What does it mean to live a rich life?  Why is it a given that everyone’s measure of rich and successful is a big house, expensive things, new car, new clothes, exotic travel, etc.?  When did that become the only measure? When did we start letting others define what rich means for our own lives?  

About my list above?  We aren’t homeowners any longer, but we are debt-free as a result of selling our house. Our rental house may be tiny, but it’s cozy and due to the location, it allows us to walk lots of different places (something I always dreamed about).  It’s also minutes from Austin’s fire station and allows him to be home with us an extra two hours each time he’s on-shift.  I’m not working full-time so my paycheck is small (or non-existent at times) but I get to control how my time is spent.  I get to take Shay to story time, we get to play at the park, I get to make dinner and I’m not stuck sitting in rush hour traffic hating life.  


I’ve learned what contentment looks like in a way I never knew possible.  Instead of striving for

My birthday picnic--with my two best guys

the next bigger and better thing, I find myself drawn to the opposite.  Smaller and simpler speak to my soul.  A hike in the woods, a picnic at the park, a walk at sunset, the sound of my child’s laughter—I don’t need money for any of these things and they feed me in a way that no monetary thing could ever come close to.  I may not have a lot financially, but that’s not where I place my identity or my trust.  


I've changed in other ways as well.  

I’ve grown to understand that friendships change, some grow distant, not for any particular reason, they just slowly drift.  And at the same time, some grow so precious that it rivals a family bond.  The younger version of me struggled to understand this, I always found myself wanting to fix friendships or relationships, would spend time worrying I had done something wrong or wondering why people are the way they are.  I don’t do this anymore and life is so much simpler as a result.  

I received the gift of motherhood in a unique way. For years, I felt broken and shamed because I stood on the outside and looked in on the exclusive motherhood sorority as an outsider.  I allowed bitterness to grow in my heart toward other women who seemed to fall into motherhood with zero effort (or even desire for that matter).  And today?  I’m a mother and I entered it in a way that if I could be the author of my life, I wouldn’t write it any other way.  I mean every word of that from the very depths of my soul.  What I once thought couldn’t be redeemed was transformed into a thing of beauty.  I’m deeply grateful that this was the chosen path for my life.  Austin and I are on a special parenting journey that we were uniquely chosen for.  Instead of broken and shamed, I am called and set apart.  

As I’ve always been reminded by older generations, I’m sure the days will continue to slip by at an even faster pace.  My prayer is that I would allow the Lord to continue his work in my heart and life.  I want to remain open, hopeful, obedient and present for all of my days ahead.

I’m so grateful for this life.  

35 feels pretty good to me.   

Created for Care Recap

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to attend the Created for Care retreat in

Georgia.  This is an amazing retreat for adoptive mothers, full of practical breakout sessions, quiet time with God, praise and worship time, and general rest and relaxation.  Due to its popularity, you have to register literally within hours when the link is live.  At the time, I assumed Shay would have been home for a longer period of time and went ahead and signed up.  Of course, our timetable was delayed and he is just now closing in on six months of being home with us.  I was rather anxious about leaving him--and leaving Austin.  One of my amazing adoption mama friends, April, gave me some sage advice--regardless of when I chose to leave him (now or six months from now), the feeling would remain the same.  Also, if mommy never leaves, how can he learn to trust that daddy is equally reliable?  The combination of this advice helped me make the decision to go on to the retreat as planned, and man, am I so thankful I made that decision.

Can I be fully transparent?  I've been feeling depleted.

Seriously depleted.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally depleted.  All of it.  


As an adoptive mother, it's hard to admit some of these feelings out loud.  I've learned that it seems biological mothers have more freedom in expressing these types of emotions, they aren't layered in the same way they are for adoptive moms.  These past six months have been the most amazing, wonderful, challenging, beautiful, life-altering ones I've ever experienced.  Shay is almost eighteen months old, however, I've only been a mother for six months.  As the mother of a biological six month old, I realize there would have been a host of challenges I would have been navigating--learning how to breast feed, getting the baby on a sleep schedule, trying to get my pre-pregnancy body back, introducing baby food, etc.  The difference for me is my six month old is actually eighteen months old---and he is walking, running, climbing, talking, needing entertainment/activities planned, requires five healthy meals/snacks per day, doesn't sleep/nap well and still deals with pretty major separation anxiety when I'm not around.  There hasn't been any downtime, no "let me lay you in the bouncy seat while mom takes a shower", no "let me have someone watch you while mommy goes to the gym", no "we are letting him cry it out so he learns to self-soothe."  I'm not saying one is better than the other, just pointing out the challenges between the two are different.  I think people might assume it's easier to start out with a baby that's older, however, I think understanding the biological age v. the chronological age the child is in the family can explain some of the unique challenges adoptive families face.  

Which brings me back to the need for the retreat.....and  may help explain why I gave myself permission to go and allow some time for personal renewal.   I love the expression "you can't draw from an empty well" and I felt like my well was dry to say the least.

The weekend was structured with the same main speaker delivering four different talks over the weekend (main speaker was Beth Guckenburger of Back2Back Ministries--who was great Bible teacher and feed my spirit in so many ways), breakout sessions on parenting, quiet time (called Date with God), fellowship time with other moms and more.  A special treat was the worship time, which was led by an amazing husband and wife duo, Candi and Jonathan Shelton.  They were amazing--check out their music on iTunes!  In addition to the great sessions, the environment itself was beautiful and tranquil, taking place at the Legacy Lodge at Lake Lanier.  To give you an idea of how thoughtful and creative the women behind Created for Care are, when I checked in, there was a handwritten letter waiting on me from Austin.  The husbands had received an email asking them to send a letter for their wives to read once they arrived as a surprise.  It was extremely emotional for me to read what Austin had written but was such a blessing to my heart.  


I learned so much over the weekend--that it's okay to admit that my tank was low and I needed some time away.  I learned that Shay and Austin can make it just fine without me (thanks to wonderful grandparents who helped!).  I learned that some of my frustrations with parenting are tied to my own selfish nature.  I also learned that God has woven adoption into my life story and I couldn't be more thankful that this is the path He chose for me.  Like the theme of the retreat, I am called to Be Love and I am also Beloved by Him.  

Grace Upon Grace

It's 7:55pm and the house is quiet.  To my right, I see one of our cats, Belle, resting comfortably at the edge of the couch.   As I scan the room, I see an assortment of toys scattered on the floor--blocks, a wooden spoon, a little red car.  

My heart is full.

Exactly four months ago today, we landed in Nashville and officially began our journey as a family of three. There have been so many times these last few months that I wanted to sit down and write, to try and capture how I feel before the moment passes. If you've ever been the mother of a toddler, you probably know that finding uninterrupted personal time is a rarity.  Instead of bemoaning my lack of free time, I'm trying to learn the importance of living in the season in which God has placed me.  

What is this season?  How can I best describe it?  

It's learning how to function on very little sleep (something I understood from a cognitive level but was not prepared for on a physical level).  

It's falling in love with your husband in a deeper, fuller way as you watch him grow as a father and provider.

It's hearing "mama" spoken in a sweet soft tone through the monitor in the early morning hours, an invitation for you to come and cuddle.  

It's dying to self, struggling to put off selfish ways and habits as you pour into your child.  

It's waves of disbelief that your baby is here, he is actually HERE, in your arms, no longer a dream but a living example of an answered prayer.

It's realizing that maybe dinners out every weekend were overrated.  There's nothing wrong with dinner at home, an early bedtime, a Netflix movie.  

It's profound gratitude for Shay's birth mother.  When I think about her, I am simply undone with gratefulness, unable to control the hot tears that form almost instantly when I consider the choice she made for his life.

It's hard.  Parenting is not easy, and in my experience, it seems like being an adoptive parent adds a layer of doubt.  Are we doing it well?  Is this normal? Is this attachment?  Is this grief?  Is he scared? Is he hurting?  

It's extremely clarifying.  Over the last four months, the things that truly matter have taken on a whole new level of clarity.  Money, houses, jobs, friendships, family relationships.....all of it looks and feels differently.  Austin and I are more clear than ever about the type of life we want to cultivate.  

Simply put, it's grace upon grace.